How to Trust Yourself After Abuse
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
When Fear Has Been Making the Decisions
You may know what you want, then question it before you have even given yourself time to listen.
Learning how to trust yourself after abuse can begin with noticing when fear is making the decision, pausing before seeking reassurance and listening for your first honest response.
After years of having your feelings or choices challenged, even an ordinary decision can feel complicated. You may replay every option, look for reassurance or worry that choosing incorrectly will create another problem.
Hello Brave Heart,
Learning how to trust yourself after abuse is not about feeling certain all the time. For me, it began by recognising how often fear was making the decisions before I had a chance to hear what I truly felt.
Unsure what kind of support may help you next?
The Discover Your Healing Path Quiz offers a simple way to reflect on where you are and what may support you now.
When Fear Was Running My Life
For a long time, fear was involved in almost every decision I made.
It was not only there for the big choices. It followed me into ordinary parts of my day.
Even going to the shops made me anxious. I wanted to get what I needed and leave as quickly as possible. I avoided people because talking, being noticed or having to respond felt like too much.
I was tired and stressed, yet my mind rarely seemed to stop. I thought about what might happen, what could go wrong and what I needed to do to prevent another problem.
The more decisions I made from fear, the more anxious I became. That anxiety made me doubt myself, and the doubt sent me back into the same fearful thinking. At times, I felt increasingly depressed because my life seemed to be organised around everything I was trying to avoid.
Fear could make itself sound sensible:
Do not take the chance.
Do not draw attention to yourself.
Think of everything that could go wrong.
Stay where you know what to expect.
Those thoughts had helped me cope through difficult circumstances. But over time, they were also keeping my world very small.
When My Heart and Mind Pull Different Ways
This is the part I know well.
My heart tells me, Take the leap. Believe in the Universe. Trust that things will work out.
Then my mind steps in:
Wait a minute. What is the plan? How will this affect everyone involved? How are you going to manage it all?
One part of me feels drawn towards something, while another immediately lists every reason to be careful.
My mind is not trying to ruin things for me. It learned to look for danger and prepare for what might go wrong. The problem comes when I treat every fearful thought as the truth and never pause to hear what I am feeling underneath it.
Your mind may raise the questions. Your instincts can still show you which direction feels true to you.
How I Began Hearing Myself Again
I did not wake up one morning full of confidence and ready to trust every decision. It happened slowly.
Meditation gave me moments when my mind was not controlling the whole conversation. Gratitude helped me notice that my life contained more than the next problem. Quiet reflection allowed me to ask:
What am I actually feeling?
I began noticing that fear and instinct did not feel the same to me.
Fear was usually urgent. It wanted an answer immediately and supplied a long list of everything that might go wrong.
My instincts felt different. Sometimes they arrived as uneasiness. Sometimes as relief. Sometimes as a pull towards something I could not yet explain. They did not always give me the full plan, but they helped me recognise what felt right for me.
The more I listened in small decisions, the more I realised that my inner voice had not disappeared. It had simply been difficult to hear beneath the fear, stress and exhaustion.
A Moment to Reflect
When your heart and mind pull in different directions, which
one do you usually silence first?
How to Trust Yourself After Abuse
When something is on my mind, I try not to rush straight into everything that could go wrong. I pause long enough to notice what is already happening inside me.
I ask:
What am I feeling?
Not what should I feel or what would make sense to someone else. What am I actually feeling?
What are my instincts saying?
Is there uneasiness, relief, excitement or a quiet sense of this way, not yet or something is not right?
What is fear trying to protect me from?
It may be warning me about failure, disappointment, money or someone else's reaction. That information can help me plan, but it does not have to make the decision.
Following your heart does not always require an enormous leap. It might mean gathering information, trying something on a smaller scale, saying no for now or taking one practical step towards what feels right.
Advice can still be useful. A trusted person may notice something you have missed. But their view should help you think, not replace the voice you are learning to hear within yourself.
Let Your Instincts Lead One Small Choice
Choose one ordinary decision that carries little risk.
Before asking anyone else, notice your first response. What feels right before your mind begins building its case?
Then make the choice and stay curious about how it feels.
If doubt appears, it does not automatically mean your instincts were wrong. Choosing for yourself may simply feel unfamiliar.
Every time you listen inwardly before looking outwardly, you strengthen the relationship you are rebuilding with yourself.
You may also find Rebuilding Your Life After Abuse helpful if you are beginning to decide where your time and energy should go next.
Learning how to trust yourself after abuse is not about silencing your mind or following every feeling without thought. It is about hearing your heart and instincts before fear or habit drowns them out.
You do not need every answer before taking your next step.
The Discover Your Healing Path Quiz can help you reflect on what you may need more of right now.
Your voice may feel quiet at first. It still deserves your attention.
Walking beside you in light & courage,
P.S. For connection with women who understand this journey, you are welcome in my private Facebook group, Inner Freedom for Domestic Violence Survivors.
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