Why Do I Keep Making Excuses for Someone Else?
I Understood the Past. I Overlooked the Present.
Why am I making excuses for someone else? It can be a difficult question when you care about someone and know what they have been through. You may understand the difficulties and still feel upset by the way you are spoken to.
Hello Brave Hearts,
An image of old suitcases once caught my attention. They were labelled with things like doubt, fear and loss. The message was about finding someone who cares enough to help you unpack what you carry.
It stayed with me because I could see something of my own experience in it.
I knew what it was to bring hurt from a previous relationship into another one. I also knew that I wasn't the only person bringing a difficult past into that relationship. There were things I valued about the connection, and I felt compassion for the difficulties involved.
But that understanding became my explanation for the way I was spoken to and how conflict was handled.
I kept making allowances. Meanwhile, I was finding it harder to express my own opinions. I was working through my own issues, but the same difficulties in the relationship kept continuing.
One example was the lack of trust when I was using my phone. I was accused of chatting to other men. I am an honest, trustworthy person, and that is something I take pride in. I was committed to the relationship and wanted to work through our difficulties, so having my honesty questioned like that was deeply upsetting.
I began avoiding using my phone because I wanted to avoid the accusations. Something as ordinary as picking it up became something I felt uneasy about. I even began doubting myself, despite knowing I hadn't done what I was being accused of.
I understood those accusations as insecurity, and that became another reason to make allowances. But I could see the effect on me: I was changing what I did to avoid a reaction, while the lack of trust remained.
Eventually, I recognised that I was becoming drained and losing myself again. Whatever I understood about the past, the relationship was not working for me.
Looking back, that is the distinction I wish I had understood sooner. I could feel compassion without continually excusing the way I was being treated. My understanding and effort alone could not make the relationship work.
When Understanding Becomes an Excuse
Knowing someone's history can help you understand a difficulty. It does not answer the separate question of whether the way you are being treated is acceptable to you.
Perhaps a tense conversation ends with an insulting remark. Afterwards, you think about how difficult conflict has been in that person's past. You find an explanation, but your own upset never gets addressed.
Or you try to talk about a worry and the conversation returns to the other person's problems. You put yours aside because you know there is already so much going on.
These are examples, not a description of every relationship. The question is whether making allowances has become the usual response while your needs keep being put aside.
Understanding someone's difficulties does not mean your own feelings stop mattering.
Support Needs Effort From Both People
Someone may care about you and still not know how to offer the support you need. The difference to look for is a willingness to listen, learn and take responsibility.
That might mean acknowledging an unkind remark without making you feel unreasonable for being upset. It might mean making time to hear your concern, returning to a difficult conversation with respect, or seeking appropriate help for a recurring difficulty.
You can offer care and encouragement. You cannot supply another person's willingness to do those things.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline's relationship guidance describes listening, respect for each other's needs and room for each person's opinions as features of healthy relationships.
You do not have to label every difficult interaction as abuse. But threats, intimidation and control should not be brushed aside as a lack of communication or a difficult past. If those are present, specialist domestic-abuse support is more appropriate than trying to resolve them through this reflection.
A Moment to Reflect
What keeps happening that I keep finding an explanation for?
Look at What Is Changing
A useful place to begin is one recent interaction, rather than trying to judge the whole relationship at once. Consider what happened, the explanation you gave it, and what followed.
You could write three short lines:
What happened? Describe the words or actions, without guessing at motives.
How did it affect me? Include what you needed or wanted to say.
What changed afterwards? Was there an acknowledgement and a different response later, or did you find yourself explaining the same behaviour again?
This is not a scorecard or a test of whether a relationship is safe. It is a way to give your own experience attention alongside your understanding of someone else's.
You do not have to confront anyone to reflect on what has already happened. If writing brings up overwhelming memories, stop and seek support from a qualified professional.
My understanding and effort alone could not make the relationship work.
Questions Women Often Ask
Why am I making excuses for someone else?
There may be more than one reason. In my experience, compassion for a difficult past became a reason to keep making allowances. Your reasons may be different. You can consider them without deciding that you caused the behaviour.
Can I support someone without changing them?
You can listen, encourage and offer support within your capacity. The other person's effort remains their own. You cannot make a relationship work by doing both people's work.
What if nothing changes?
Take that continuing pattern seriously, including its effect on you. You can seek individual support and consider whether the relationship meets your needs. You do not have to reach a particular label before acknowledging that something is not working for you.
If the way you have been treated has affected how you see yourself, Low Self-Esteem After Abuse Isn't a Flaw explores that part of rebuilding.
For connection and encouragement with women rebuilding after abuse, you are welcome in the Inner Freedom Facebook Community. 💜 Join us inside the Inner Freedom Facebook Community.
The image of the suitcases still holds something important for me. We bring experiences into relationships, and caring support matters.
What I understand differently now is that compassion also needs room for my own experience. I can understand a difficult past and still recognise when a relationship is draining me.
I could work on myself. I could not do another person's work as well.
With encouragement & care,
P.S. For a separate moment of reflection on what you need now, the free Discover Your Healing Path Quiz offers a personalised result and a workbook to explore at your own pace. 🌼 Discover Your Healing Path. Take the Quiz.
