Setting Boundaries at Work After Abuse
I Knew My Job, but I Went Quiet
Most of the people in the office had gone home. I was still at my desk, trying to get my work done, when he started shouting at me.
I didn't shout back. I didn't say anything at all.
If you have lived with abuse, you may know that reaction. Someone at work raises their voice, talks over you or undermines you, and you go quiet, the way you once did at home to keep the peace. Setting boundaries at work after abuse can feel much harder than anyone around you realises, especially when nobody at work knows about the abuse you experienced.
Hello Courageous Women,
This happened in a job I had after I left my marriage. Nobody at work knew about my past. I was good at my job, really good, and part of my role was making sure everyone followed the standards and procedures that were in place.
Two people who worked for the same business didn't like having to follow those standards and procedures. They worked in different offices, but behind my back they worked together to have me removed. They told the person in charge that I wasn't doing my job properly, when I was.
There was nobody there to witness the shouting. I went quiet and withdrew. I did go to the person in charge, and I sought advice from Fair Work, but I was told that without evidence, it would be hard to do anything.
A phone call became a turning point for me. The colleague who had taken over my role in one of the offices rang to tell me what was being said about me. She stood by me through all of it, and I don't know how I would have managed without her.
That was the moment I decided I'd had enough.
I was moved to another office, and they tried to push me out there too. I kept my job. I believe being so good at it is part of what saved me.
Looking back, I can see that knowing my job well didn't mean I knew how to respond when someone shouted at me.
Why It Can Feel Harder After Abuse
Being bullied at work is hard for anyone. After an abusive relationship, it can feel harder still, because it can echo something you have already lived through.
For me, there was a pattern I didn't recognise at the time. At home, staying quiet was how I got through. So when they tried to intimidate me, my old way of coping showed up at work before I could even think.
You may notice something similar in yourself:
going quiet or freezing when someone raises their voice
doubting yourself when someone says you aren't doing your job properly, even when you know you are
worrying that speaking up will only make things worse
fearing for your income, especially if everything at home depends on it
waiting and hoping it will stop on its own
None of this means you are weak. For some women, going quiet echoes a way of coping they learned during abuse. You may also be weighing very real concerns about your job and income. You can seek support even if speaking up in the moment feels difficult.
What Bullying at Work Can Look Like
The Fair Work Ombudsman describes workplace bullying as repeated, unreasonable behaviour towards a worker or group of workers that creates a risk to health and safety.
It can include aggressive behaviour, being excluded, teasing, or unreasonable work demands.
Repeated shouting, undermining or spreading false claims about your work may be bullying. Reasonable feedback, given reasonably, is different.
A Boundary at Work Isn't a Showdown
When many of us hear the word boundary, we picture a confrontation. After abuse, that picture alone can be enough to keep you silent, because standing up to someone once came at a cost.
But a boundary at work isn't about winning an argument. It can mean naming what is unacceptable, choosing how you respond and asking for support. That might involve ending a conversation, requesting another person's presence or raising a concern in writing. It does not guarantee that the other person will change.
Making sure workplace procedures were followed was part of my job. Responding to someone shouting at me felt very different. I did ask for help, but I didn't have a written record of what had happened.
This brings us back to the question at the heart of this month: what is mine to manage, and what is not mine to carry? Doing my job well was mine to manage. Their shouting and their stories about me were never mine to carry.
A Moment to Reflect
When someone at work speaks to me disrespectfully, what makes it difficult for me to respond?
Five Boundaries at Work After Abuse
So what can boundaries at work after abuse actually look like? Here are five I understand now, and wish I'd had back then.
How I'm spoken to. Shouting is not a conversation. If you feel safe to, you might say, "I'm happy to talk about this when we can speak calmly," and then leave the room.
Not staying alone in the office after hours. You can't always know who will come back into the office. Where your working hours allow, leave when the others leave rather than staying on alone. If your role regularly requires late hours, ask your manager about arrangements so you aren't working alone. Being there after hours never makes someone else's behaviour your fault.
In writing. "Could you put that in an email for me?" Keep your own notes too: the date, time, place, what was said and who was there. Legal Aid NSW recommends keeping detailed notes like these, along with copies of emails and messages. This was the one thing I didn't have.
I can ask for support before I have all the answers. Consider raising your concern with an appropriate manager, HR, a health and safety representative or your union. If you are unsure who to approach, seek independent advice. You can still ask for help if this has been happening for some time.
I don't have to defend myself against every rumour. Keep records of your work and raise specific false claims through the appropriate workplace process. You don't have to answer every comment, and you don't have to prove you are exceptional to deserve respect.
You don't have to do all five. One place to begin is writing down what happened and identifying who could advise you.
And one boundary that sits above all the others: if you ever feel unsafe at work, leave the situation and report it. No script is worth more than your safety.
Where to Get Advice
You don't have to work this out on your own. In Australia, the Fair Work Ombudsman's bullying page explains your options, including the Fair Work Commission, which may be able to make an order to stop bullying for eligible workers.
A union or your workplace's employee assistance program can also help. Outside Australia, your local workplace authority or union is a good place to start.
This blog shares my experience and some practical ideas. It isn't legal or employment advice, so please speak with a qualified professional about your own situation.
You don't have to know what to say in the moment to ask for help afterwards.
Questions Women Often Ask
Is it bullying, or am I overreacting?
Workplace bullying is repeated, unreasonable behaviour that creates a risk to your health and safety. A single incident may not meet that definition, but it still matters. Write it down and keep an eye on whether it happens again. Your past may affect how the incident feels, but that does not make the behaviour acceptable.
Should I tell work about my past?
That is your choice. You don't owe anyone your story. Some women choose to tell one trusted person or HR, and others keep it private, as I did. If you are still experiencing family and domestic violence, including from a former partner, you may be able to use paid family and domestic violence leave to deal with its impacts when this cannot practically be done outside work hours. Fair Work explains the 10-day entitlement and when it can be used.
What if there were no witnesses?
That was my situation. Write down what happened as soon as you can, while it is fresh, and tell someone you trust. Notes made at the time and copies of any emails or messages can help when you seek advice.
If someone at work has left you doubting whether you are good at what you do, Why Is It So Hard to Trust Yourself? may help you reconnect with what you already know.
And if you would like a personal note from me each week, with one practical thought to carry into your week, you can subscribe to my newsletter here.
I knew how to do my job. What I didn't know was how to respond when someone at work treated me that way. Looking back, I wish I'd had these practical options to draw on.
You are allowed to expect respectful treatment, keep a record of what happens and ask for support. Going quiet in the moment does not take those options away.
Your boundaries belong at work too.
Walking beside you in light & courage,
P.S. For connection with women who understand this journey, you are welcome in my private Facebook group, Inner Freedom for Domestic Violence Survivors.
