Low Self-Esteem After Abuse Isn't a Flaw
What If It Was Never You?
For years, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
I lived with depression and had almost no self-esteem left. I tried medication and counselling, but I still struggled. I didn't understand how much the marriage was affecting the way I felt about myself.
If you are living with low self-esteem after abuse, perhaps you have asked yourself a similar question. Why do I feel this way?
Hello Resilient Spirits,
I was in an abusive relationship for many, many years. There were different forms of abuse, including emotional, physical and financial abuse. The controlling behaviour, manipulation and constant criticism affected me in ways I didn't fully recognise at the time. I was raising four boys, one of them deaf, and doing my best to hold everything together.
Somewhere along the way, I lost so much confidence in myself that I began asking, Who am I, really?
I believed my depression meant there was something wrong with me. I hadn't yet recognised how much the relationship was affecting my emotional wellbeing.
If this has you wondering where you are in your own journey, the free Discover Your Healing Path Quiz offers a gentle place to reflect. You will receive a personalised result and a workbook you can complete online, with a printable PDF version if you prefer to write by hand. Both include prompts to help you explore what you need now. 🌼 Discover Your Healing Path. Take the Quiz.
Why Low Self-Esteem After Abuse Makes Sense
Low self-esteem after abuse is common, and it makes sense. When someone criticises, controls and belittles you for years, it can change the way you see yourself. Many women leave carrying that voice with them, and mistake it for their own.
It rarely happens all at once. It builds through things like:
being told, again and again, that you are the problem
having your opinions dismissed or laughed at
being blamed for someone else's moods
learning that staying quiet felt safer than speaking up
Over time, those messages can start to sound like the truth. Not because they are true, but because you heard them so often.
And they can follow you into ordinary moments after the relationship ends. You might second-guess a simple decision, apologise when you have done nothing wrong, or dismiss something you have managed well because it never feels good enough.
Depression can also be part of someone's experience of abuse. Research has found an association between intimate partner violence and depression, although everyone's circumstances and mental health are different.
The Relief I Never Expected
Eventually, I obtained a restraining order. But even after we were no longer living together, the pressure didn't end.
There were more than two years of difficult court proceedings. I was trying to find work and look after my four boys, while still dealing with the strain of everything that was happening. I continued to struggle with depression.
Then came the day my divorce was granted.
I went to the divorce hearing expecting another difficult confrontation. Instead, there was no appearance to contest it. When the court granted my divorce, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I hadn't expected such a powerful emotional uplift. It was as though a weight had lifted, and I could breathe again.
That moment didn't erase the challenges of raising my boys or everything I had been through. But I remember how different I felt.
Understanding Came Later
It took years after the separation for me to make sense of what I had been living with. For a long time, I had seen the depression and my lack of confidence as evidence that something was wrong inside me.
I also came across a quote whose message stayed with me: before deciding something is wrong with you, look at the people and circumstances you have been surrounded by.
Looking back, I began to recognise how deeply the control, belittling and manipulation had affected me. I came to believe that the marriage had played a major part in my depression and in the way I saw myself.
It was not one neat realisation that fixed everything. But it changed the question I was asking. Instead of What's wrong with me?, I could begin asking, What has happened to me, and what have I come to believe about myself?
The Voice That Isn't Yours
Some of the harshest things you believe about yourself may not have started with you. They may be words you heard so many times that they began to sound like your own thoughts.
Noticing that doesn't erase what happened. What it can do is give you room to ask whether a belief is actually true.
The way you were treated is not a reflection of who you are.
This isn't about brushing off depression. Depression is real, and it can continue long after you leave. If low mood is heavy or lasting, a GP or qualified professional can help. What I am talking about here is the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you as a person.
A Moment to Reflect
What is one thing I believe about myself that I first heard from someone else?
Whose Voice Is That? A Small Exercise
So how do you start to rebuild low self-esteem after abuse? One place to begin is noticing which beliefs about yourself may have developed from what you were repeatedly told or made to feel. All you need is a notebook and five minutes.
Write down one harsh thing you believe about yourself. Just one. For example: "I am always the problem."
Ask yourself where you first heard it. Keep it brief. You are noticing, not reliving.
Question whether that belief is true. If your thought is "I am always the problem," you might write, "I am not responsible for every problem or someone else's behaviour." You don't have to believe the new sentence immediately.
Think about what you have actually experienced. The old belief may still feel true because you've carried it for so long. Can you remember a time when you were blamed for something that wasn't your responsibility? You are not trying to force a positive thought, just allowing yourself to question an old one.
You can come back to this whenever an old belief shows up. If it stirs up more than you can hold right now, close the notebook and leave it for another day. If old memories become overwhelming, please reach out to a qualified professional.
Sometimes the way you have been treated can change the way you see yourself.
Questions Women Often Ask
Why do I feel so worthless after leaving?
Feeling worthless after leaving an abusive relationship is more common than many women realise. Years of criticism and control can shape how you see yourself, and those beliefs don't always leave when you do. Rebuilding how you see yourself often takes longer than leaving.
Can self-esteem come back after abuse?
For many women, yes, though it rarely happens all at once. It can grow through small, repeated experiences: noticing an old belief, testing it against what you know, making your own decisions and spending time with people who treat you with respect.
Is it depression or low self-esteem?
They can overlap, and only a qualified professional can tell you what you are experiencing. If low mood has lasted for weeks, or you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, please speak to your GP or a qualified professional. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, contact your local emergency services or a crisis support line straight away.
If you are also wondering who you are now, after years of living around someone else's moods, Reclaiming Your Identity After an Abusive Relationship picks up that thread.
And for a few minutes of reflection just for you, the Discover Your Healing Path Quiz asks what you need right now. Your result comes with a free personalised workbook you can complete online, plus a printable PDF version if you prefer pen and paper. Both give you space to reflect at your own pace. 🌼 Discover Your Healing Path. Take the Quiz.
For years, I looked inward for an explanation for how badly I felt, without seeing the full weight of what I was living through.
Perhaps the question isn't whether you are good enough. Perhaps it's whether you have been measuring yourself against someone else's words for so long that you have forgotten you can question them.
You don't have to feel confident today to begin doing that. The way you were treated is not a reflection of who you are.
With warmth & compassion,
P.S. Join us inside the Inner Freedom Facebook Community, a private space for women rebuilding after abuse to connect, reflect and encourage one another. Join the Inner Freedom Facebook Community
