How to Dream Again After an Abusive Relationship
- Jun 17, 2012
- 5 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
I came across an image one day that stopped me completely.
A baby, eyes closed, smiling as if he was dreaming the happiest dream of his small life. Underneath it were the words: Wish hard. Dream big. Make it happen.
And I just stood there. 🌼
Not because it inspired me the way it was probably meant to.
But because something in me went very still.
I honestly could not remember the last time I had wished for something for myself. Not properly. Not with any real feeling behind it.
That was the moment I realised something I had not noticed before.
My dreams had not disappeared.
They had become buried.
Buried beneath survival.
Buried beneath court, motherhood, rebuilding, fear, exhaustion, and all the things I had to keep carrying.
And the hardest part was that I had not even realised it was happening.
I was so focused on getting through each day that I had stopped asking myself what I wanted for my own life.
Hello Resilient Spirits,
The Years My Dreams Were Buried Under Survival
Here is the honest truth about my own story.
After I left, I did not dream.
I survived. 💜
There was court. There was rebuilding from almost nothing. There were my boys who needed me to keep things together. Dreams felt like something I couldn't even imagine having the energy for.
And in that season, survival was the only appropriate focus.
But what I did not realise was this:
My dreams had become buried beneath everything I had to carry.
Not gone.
Buried.
And because I was still functioning, still mothering, still rebuilding, still doing what had to be done, I did not see how long I had gone without wanting something for myself.
If you are in that place right now, I want you to know that this makes sense.
You are not behind.
You are not failing.
You may simply be living in a season where survival has taken up so much room that dreaming feels far away.
What Happens to Dreams Under Abuse
Dreams do not always disappear all at once.
They become buried slowly.
When someone else controls enough of your life, wanting things for yourself can start to feel pointless. You stop saying what you want because it gets dismissed, criticised, or used against you.
Over time, you may stop noticing what you want at all.
And even after you leave, survival can keep your dreams buried.
There are bills to pay. Children to care for. A home to rebuild. Legal stress. Emotional exhaustion. A body that still feels on alert. A life that needs you to keep going, even when you are tired.
So you do not always sit there thinking, I have lost my dreams.
It is more like one day you realise:
When did I stop wishing for anything that was mine?
That is one of the quieter losses of abuse.
Not loud.
Not obvious.
But real.
You Do Not Have to Wait as Long as I Did
This is the thing I wish someone had told me.
You do not have to wait until your whole life feels stable before you are allowed to dream again.
You do not need a five year plan.
You do not need to know exactly where you are going.
You do not need perfect confidence before you let yourself want something.
The dreaming itself can become part of how you find your way forward.
Learning how to dream again after an abusive relationship does not have to begin with something big.
It can begin with a feeling.
I want peace.
I want a calmer home.
I want to feel like myself again.
I want one thing in my life that belongs only to me.
I want to feel joy without waiting for everything to be perfect.
Even one small wish, named and written down, begins to uncover what survival buried.
It does not need to be certain.
It does not need to impress anyone.
It just needs to be yours.
The book of blank pages had been there the whole time. I just hadn't been ready to pick up the pen.
As I share in When Old Wounds Resurface, healing comes in layers. Sometimes one layer is learning how to feel steady again. Sometimes another layer is realising there are parts of you that went untouched for years because survival had to come first.
Dreaming again is one of those layers.
It comes when you are ready.
But you can invite it sooner than you think.
Three Small Ways to Start
Starting again does not need to feel overwhelming.
You do not need a full vision board today.
You do not need to know the whole path.
You just need a small place to begin.
Start with gratitude.
Before a dream can grow, it needs ground to grow in. Noticing what is already good, even one small thing, creates the conditions for something new to begin.
Sit quietly and listen.
Meditation was where I first started to hear myself again. Not looking for answers. Just sitting long enough to notice what surfaces. A feeling. A flicker. Something small that wants your attention. That is enough.
Name one thing that is entirely yours.
Not a plan. Just one thing you want that belongs to you alone. Write it down somewhere private. Let it exist without pressure. 🌸
Maybe it is a peaceful room.
Maybe it is a walk without rushing.
Maybe it is a course you want to study.
Maybe it is a place you want to visit.
Maybe it is a calmer morning, a stronger body, a little more laughter, or a life that feels like it has space for you in it again.
That counts.
The Page Is Waiting For You
Your dreams did not leave.
They may have become buried under survival, under responsibility, under fear, under everything you had to carry.
But buried does not mean gone.
The blank pages were always there. You just may not have had the space to pick up the pen yet.
This is you beginning again. 🌼
One small wish.
One private sentence.
One feeling you would like more of in your life.
That is enough for today.
If you would like to walk this path alongside other women who understand, you are welcome inside my Facebook group. It is a calm, private space where you do not have to do this alone.
Walking beside you,
P.S. If you would like to understand where you are on your healing path right now, the quiz takes just a few minutes and might surprise you. 🌼 Discover Your Healing Path. Take the Quiz.
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