When Friendships Change in Ways You Never Expected

Aug 17
5 min read

Updated: 4 days ago

I Never Expected to Lose Friends Too

When I left my abusive marriage, I knew my life was going to change. I knew there would be difficult decisions ahead of me, and I knew I had a lot to rebuild.

What I didn't expect was that some of my friendships would change too.

Three women walk through a sunlit garden with the text When Friendships Change in ways you Never Expected

To be honest, I don't think I ever expected to lose friends because of what was happening in my life. Friendship was one of those things I just assumed would still be there.

But life doesn't always work that way.

Some people surprised me with how much they supported me. Some opened their doors when I needed somewhere to turn. Others slowly disappeared from my life, and at the time I found that very hard to understand.

Hello Beautiful Souls 💜

They Didn't Know What Had Been Happening

Looking back now, I can also see something I probably couldn't see clearly at the time.

Most of my friends didn't know what had really been happening inside my marriage.

They hadn't lived with it. They hadn't seen everything that happened behind closed doors. They didn't know how lost I felt or how hard I was trying to keep my four boys together while working out what on earth I was going to do with my own life.

So perhaps they didn't always understand what I needed from them either.

That doesn't mean it didn't hurt when someone wasn't there. It did.

When your life already feels as though it is falling apart, you don't really expect friendship to become another thing that changes. And that was probably the hardest part for me. I wasn't prepared for it.

Some parts of rebuilding are easier to share with women who understand something of the journey. The Inner Freedom Facebook community is a place to connect, read and join the conversation.

Inner Freedom Facebook Community

What I Learned When Friendships Change

Over the years, I have looked back at my own friendships after abuse and come to understand why friendships change for all sorts of reasons. People's lives move in different directions. Circumstances change. We change.

Some friendships stay with us for years. Others belong to one chapter of our lives. Some people drift away, and new people come into our lives when we least expect it.

I don't think I understood that back then.

At the time, when a friendship changed or someone wasn't there when I thought they would be, it felt much more personal. I wondered what I had done wrong. I wondered why they had disappeared when I needed them.

Now I can look back with a little more understanding.

Not every friendship that ends was false, and not every person who wasn't able to support me was necessarily uncaring. Sometimes people simply don't know what to do with something they don't understand.

The Friends Who Did Show Up

I also don't want to tell this story without talking about the people who were there for me, because there were friends who helped me.

There were people who opened their doors and supported me during some of the most difficult periods of my life. People who gave what they could at a time when I felt as though I had very little left.

Some of those people are no longer part of my everyday life. We have gone our separate ways over the years. But I haven't forgotten them, and never will.

From the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for every person who showed me kindness during those years. Whatever happened to our friendship later doesn't take away what they gave me at the time.

Sometimes someone can be incredibly important in one part of your life, even if they aren't meant to walk beside you forever.

I Wish I Had Looked for More Support

There is one thing I often think about when I look back on that time.

I wish I had looked for a community of women who understood something of what I was going through.

My friends cared about me, but most of them hadn't lived through an abusive relationship. There were parts of what I was feeling that were difficult to explain, especially when I didn't always understand those feelings myself.

I think it would have helped me to be around women where I didn't have to explain everything from the beginning. Women who understood what it was like to feel lost after leaving, to rebuild your confidence, to try to keep a family together while also trying to find yourself again.

At that time, finding those connections wasn't as easy as it is now. Today we have online communities and different ways of connecting with people who may have walked a similar road.

Looking back, I think that kind of connection would have supported me so much.

Support Can Come From Different Places

Pastel infographic with ear, hands holding a cup, chat bubbles, and mugs; text says Support Can Look Different.

This is something I understand now that I didn't understand then.

Support can come from different people and places:

A friend who listens
Someone who understands something of what you have lived through
Practical help when you need it
Simple companionship that brings a little normality
A professional, support service or community

One person doesn't have to understand every part of your life.

A Moment to Reflect

What kind of support do I need in my life now?

Perhaps it is someone who listens, someone who understands, practical help, companionship or a wider community.

A Simple Way to Look at Support

Take a sheet of paper and write down four headings: listening, understanding, practical help and companionship.

Add any person, place or community that comes to mind beneath each one. This simple list may help you notice both the support already around you and the kind of connection you would like more of.

What Friendship Taught Me

Portrait of blonde woman in purple blouse with calm expression; poster reads There is Space for You, Inner Freedom Facebook Community.

I still believe difficult times teach us a great deal about friendship, but I don't see it anymore as simply finding out who your true friends are.

For me, it became something much bigger than that.

I learned that life changes. People change. Friendships change.

You may lose people you thought would always be there, and you may gain friendships you never expected. Some people will stay for years. Some will walk beside you during one important chapter. Some will surprise you with their kindness. Others may simply drift away.

And none of that means the friendship never mattered.

I think one of the hardest things is accepting that we are not always prepared for those changes. I certainly wasn't.

But looking back now, I can see that every friendship, every act of kindness and every person who walked beside me for however long they could became part of my story.

And for that, I am grateful.

Life changes. People change. Friendships change. And none of that means the friendship never mattered.

Finding Connection With Women Who Understand

One of the reasons I value community so much now is because I know how different my own experience might have felt if I had known where to find women who understood something of what I was going through.

That is part of why I created the Inner Freedom Facebook Community, a place where women rebuilding after abusive relationships can connect with others who understand something of the journey.

With Love and Gratitude,