Communicating With an Abuser After You Leave
Keep the Reply Factual Without Ignoring How You Feel
His name lights up on your phone, and before you have read a word, you are already bracing for what it might say.
If you have children together, or another practical reason contact has to continue, you may know that feeling well. Communicating with an abuser after you leave can pull you straight back towards the arguments, the blame and the control you worked so hard to leave.
Knowing how to answer is only one part of it. Because after you take the blame, the digs and the accusations out of your reply, you can still be left with everything the message stirred up in you.
Hello Resilient Spirits,
After I left, the messages were manipulative and controlling, and I got pulled in more times than I can count. Over time, I learned to keep coming back to the practical details. The pick-up time. The drop-off. The arrangement. I tried not to let the manipulation and control pull me into everything else. It wasn't easy, and it took a long time.
I also learned that sharing how I felt, or what I was going through, never made things calmer. Somehow it always came back on me. The years didn't change that. For me, the less communication I have with him, the better.
Looking back, I understand something else now. Keeping my replies factual didn't mean ignoring how the messages affected me.
That is the other half of this conversation, and I think it matters just as much.
The Reply Is Only Half the Story
A message about a pick-up time can arrive with blame, a dig, an accusation or an old argument attached to it.
You may feel angry or frustrated. You may want to defend yourself, correct something that isn't true or explain, yet again, what really happened.
The hard part is knowing that sending the whole defence back may simply open another round of the same argument.
But keeping the reply factual doesn't mean pushing your feelings away. Not answering an accusation does not mean you are agreeing with it.
You can know your own truth and decide that this conversation is not where you are going to fight to prove it.
The boundary isn't I shouldn't feel this. It is choosing where those feelings go. Your feelings are real without needing him to understand them.
Communicating With an Abuser When You Have Children
For many women, children are the reason a clean break in communication simply isn't possible. There may still be pick-ups, school matters, appointments or changes to arrangements that need an answer.
That is where one boundary becomes especially important. Keep the adult communication between the adults.
Children shouldn't have to carry messages backwards and forwards or be placed in the middle of adult communication. Where contact is required, keep it within the communication arrangements that apply to you rather than asking a child to deliver the message.
Family Relationships Online also advises separated parents not to use children as messengers between them.
A Short Reply Is a Boundary
You might worry that a short, factual message sounds cold or rude. It doesn't have to be either. It can simply be clear.
You are still communicating. You are answering what needs answering. You are choosing what is yours to share and what isn't.
This comes back to a question at the heart of rebuilding. What is mine to manage, and what is not mine to carry?
The practical arrangement may be yours to manage. His reaction, his blame and his version of events are not yours to carry.
You don't have to win the argument. You only have to deal with the issue at hand.
Before You Reply
When a message gets under your skin, don't start by trying to write the perfect reply.
Pause. You don't have to answer the moment you see his name. If the message is not genuinely time-sensitive, give yourself some space. Keep to any timeframes or communication arrangements that apply to you. I also found that breathwork or a short meditation helped me calm down before I replied.
Give the feelings somewhere else to go. If you need to get out what you really want to say, write it somewhere separate and private if that is appropriate for you, or say it to someone you trust. This is not the reply you send. It is simply somewhere for the anger, hurt or frustration to go first.
Find the fact. Go back to the message and look for the practical question. Is it about a time, a place, a school matter or a change to an arrangement? Leave the blame, digs and old arguments where they are.
Reply only to that. Answer the practical part as simply as you can. Leave out the defence, the long explanation and the personal information he doesn't need.
Here is what that can look like.
A message might say, "Typical. You've changed the plans again without thinking about anyone but yourself. Are you even bringing them Saturday or not?"
A facts-only reply could be, "Yes. I'll drop them at 10am Saturday."
That's it.
No defending. No explaining. No reply to "typical".
A related approach is the BIFF Response method from the High Conflict Institute, which focuses on keeping necessary responses brief, informative, friendly and firm.
One Thing That Has Changed Since My Boys Were Young
When my boys were young, we didn't have dedicated co-parenting platforms to keep communication and arrangements in one place.
Those tools exist now, and for some separated parents they can help contain practical communication instead of having it spill through ordinary texts and messages. But they are not automatically the right choice for every situation, particularly where there are safety or privacy concerns.
If you are in Australia and unsure whether a particular communication tool is appropriate in your circumstances, 1800RESPECT can help you think through safety and support options. Outside Australia, a local domestic violence service can help.
A Moment to Reflect
What is this message stirring up in me and what
actually needs my response?
A Note About Keeping Messages
If you may need to keep a record of messages, do it only when it is safe to do so.
eSafety's guidance on collecting evidence safely explains ways to collect and store digital evidence and what to consider if a device or account may be monitored.
This blog is about everyday communication after leaving. It isn't legal advice or a safety plan.
If messages contain threats, you feel unsafe, or you are unsure what an order or formal arrangement requires of you, contact an appropriate domestic violence service or qualified legal professional for advice about your circumstances.
Your feelings deserve to be acknowledged. They just don't have to become part of the conversation with him.
Questions Women Often Ask
Do I have to reply to every message?
Not every message needs the same response, and not every part of a message needs an answer. Look for what is practical and necessary, and keep to any communication arrangements or orders that apply to you. If you are unsure what you are required to do, seek qualified legal advice.
What if he keeps trying to start an argument?
You don't have to keep re-explaining yourself. If there is a practical question, answer that briefly. If there isn't, there may be nothing useful for you to add. If the messages become threatening or frightening, contact a domestic violence service or local emergency service.
If communication with him is also coming home through your children, When Your Child Comes Home From Dad's shares a calm way to respond without putting them in the middle.
And if you would like a little more clarity about what feels most present for you right now, my free quiz offers one symbolic result, a personalised workbook and 7-Day Gratitude Challenge Flashcards. Discover Your Healing Path. Take the Quiz.
Contact may have to continue for a while yet. But what you share is still yours to choose.
Keeping the reply factual doesn't ask you to stop feeling. It simply separates what this practical conversation needs from what you need afterwards.
You can answer the question without answering the accusation. And you can take care of what the message stirred up without handing those feelings back to him.
That, too, is a boundary.
May you find peace & strength,
P.S. For connection with women who understand this journey, you are welcome in my private Facebook group, Inner Freedom for Domestic Violence Survivors.
