Unmasking My True Self: What Happens When You Finally Stop Pretending

Hello Brave Hearts,💜

Sometimes it takes years to realize how lost you have become.

I remember the moment it hit me, I was looking in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person staring back. Not because I looked different, but because I felt like a stranger to myself. After years in an abusive relationship, I had become so skilled at wearing masks that I had forgotten who I really was underneath them all.

If you have ever felt disconnected from who you are, you are not alone. Identity loss is one of the hidden wounds of abuse and one of the hardest to mend.

The Masks We Learn to Wear

In abusive relationships, you learn to read the room before you even enter it. You learn to agree when you disagree, to smile when you want to cry, to become small when you long to take up space.

The survival mask becomes automatic. You wake up each morning and put on the face that says “I am fine” even when you are falling apart inside. You laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. You agree with opinions that make your stomach turn.

After a while, the mask doesn’t just hide your feelings from others, it hides them from yourself.

I spent years perfecting this performance, pretending everything was normal to family and friends, making excuses for behavior that had no excuse, protecting everyone else from the truth, even my children. The exhaustion wasn’t just from the abuse. It was from being someone I wasn’t, day after day, year after year.

When You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore

The cruel irony is that the masks we wear for survival eventually become our prison. You become so skilled at monitoring his mood, anticipating his reactions, avoiding his triggers, that you lose track of your own thoughts and feelings.

What do you actually think? What do you enjoy? What makes you laugh when no one’s watching? These become foreign questions.

I remember realizing I had no direction, no goals beyond just getting through the day. I was living in survival mode, one foot in front of the other, unable to see any hopeful future. When you have spent years focused only on avoiding conflict, the idea of actually wanting something for yourself feels impossible.

And even after leaving, the loss of self often lingers. Safety doesn’t automatically restore identity. Sometimes the hardest part comes after, when you are free but don’t know who you are in that freedom.

This is part of what I explore in Does Your Story Empower You?, because reclaiming your narrative is also how you reclaim yourself.

The Slow Work of Unmasking

Rediscovering who you are isn’t like flipping a switch. It’s more like archaeology, brushing away layers of dust to reveal what was always there.

I began noticing small things. When I automatically agreed with someone, I paused and asked myself: “What do I really think about this?” When I caught myself choosing based on what others wanted, I asked: “What do I prefer?”

It sounds simple, but when you have spent years suppressing yourself, even these tiny acts of honesty feel significant.

Some days I uncovered forgotten preferences. Other days I realized I had no opinion at all, both were part of the process. Breakthrough moments often came in quiet spaces, when I didn’t have to perform. That’s when my real thoughts surfaced, tentative at first, then stronger.

Sometimes those quiet spaces appear in seasons of solitude, like holidays spent alone. In Loneliness During Holidays, I share how isolation, though painful, can become a gift when used for self-discovery.

The Foundation That Makes Unmasking Possible

What helped me most was learning to appreciate the small steps forward. Instead of being frustrated with how long it was taking to “find myself,” I started noticing small wins:

The day I ordered food I actually wanted.
The moment I shared a real opinion without checking someone’s reaction first.
The afternoon I did something purely because it brought me joy.

This steady approach, noticing progress rather than demanding instant change, became the foundation of my healing. I share more in Finding Light in Darkness, where gratitude became a lifeline during the hardest times.

The Stages of Becoming Real Again

Through my own process and listening to other survivors, I have noticed unmasking happens in stages:

🌼 Emerging Daffodil – You begin noticing something isn’t right.
🦋 Fluttering Butterfly – You test small acts of honesty.
🪶 Soaring Feather – You release the need to please everyone else.
🌳 Resilient Oak Tree – Being real feels natural and steady.

✨ If you are curious where you are right now, you can take my free quiz, Discover Your Healing Path. Sometimes just knowing your stage can help you meet yourself with patience.

What I Wish I Had Known Then

Looking back, here is what I wish someone had told me:

You are not broken for not knowing who you are. You survived by becoming invisible. Now you get to be seen again.
It’s okay to try different versions of yourself. Discovery is part of rebuilding.
Your true self isn’t created, she is uncovered. She is been waiting under the layers.
Some people won’t like the real you. That is their issue, not yours.
Being real is a practice, not a destination. Some days will feel stronger than others.

The Gift of Authentic Living

Taking off the mask is both terrifying and liberating.

Terrifying, because you don’t know how people will react.

Liberating, because you finally stop pretending.

The real you might be quieter. Or louder. She might have different dreams and boundaries. She might surprise you. But she is yours. And after years of being who everyone else needed you to be, that’s everything.

Moving Forward

If you are in the process of unmasking, be patient with yourself. Some days you will feel progress, other days you will feel lost. Both belong.

The masks once served their purpose, they kept you safe. But survival and living are different things. Living means showing up as yourself: honest, imperfect, and human.

Your true self is worth rediscovering. She always was.

🌸 If this reflection speaks to you, I warmly invite you to become a community member. Inside you will find the full library of survivor reflections, resources, and encouragement to support you as you rebuild.

Walking beside you in light & courage,

If you are ready to explore who you are beneath the masks, consider joining my private Facebook community where other survivors are discovering their authentic selves in a safe, understanding space.

I warmly invite you to join as a community member.

This is a safe haven for women reclaiming their lives after abuse, a place where you can access the full blog library, find encouragement and feel supported as you take your next steps.

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Curious where you are on your healing path?

Take the free Discover Your Healing Path quiz

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