Inner Freedom Coach
Strength
in
Solitude
The Holidays When You Are Alone: What No One Tells You
Hello Strong & Steady Souls
The holidays are supposed to be magical, right? Everyone's posting their perfect family photos, the stores are playing cheerful music, and the world seems wrapped in this warm, glowing bubble of togetherness.
And here you are, alone.
If you are a domestic violence survivor, the holidays can feel like a reminder of everything you have lost. All that "joy to the world" messaging when your world feels anything but joyful. When you are dealing with trauma, when your family situation is complicated or nonexistent, when you are rebuilding your life from scratch.
I get it. I have been there.
​My First Christmas Alone - The Truth
​The first Christmas I spent alone nearly broke me. My kids were with their father, my family was scattered across different countries, and I was sitting in my quiet house feeling like I had failed at everything.
I spent that day on the couch, drinking wine and trying to numb the pain with movies. But the silence was uncomfortable. The emptiness felt heavy. I was thinking about how he had destroyed my life, stolen my years, left me with nothing. The resentment was overwhelming. At the same time, I was blaming myself for all the decisions I had made, all the ways I could have done things differently.
I was angry. Furious, actually. Angry that I had to endure this while other people were celebrating. Angry that my life had become so small. Angry that I felt guilty for even being angry.
It was one of the hardest days of my life. And I thought it would never get easier.
I was wrong. After a few more Christmases alone, I learned that you do get better at handling the loneliness. It's not that the sadness disappears completely, but you develop a different relationship with solitude.​​​
​​
The Shift That Changed Everything
​
After a few more Christmases alone, something shifted. I stopped fighting the solitude and started asking myself: What if this isn't a problem? What if this is actually... space?
Space to breathe without walking on eggshells. Space to eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted, feel what I needed to feel without having to perform happiness for anyone else.
​
One particular Christmas morning, instead of dreading the day, I decided not to feel sorry for myself. I made myself coffee and sat down to write. Not about what I had lost, but about what I had survived. Not about who wasn't there, but about the strength it took to get where I was.
​
That writing became the foundation of how I now understand healing, that it happens in layers, often when we least expect it. Sometimes the hardest seasons become the ones that teach us the most about our own resilience. It's something I explore more deeply in Unmasking My True Self, where I share how those quiet moments alone helped me remember who I really was beneath all the pain.
I spent the day feeling free. I took a long bath, pampered myself. With four boys, you don't get time for yourself, so I started making the best of the day, scrapbooking, cooking my favorite meal. There were moments when I did feel sad and cried, but I felt better afterwards.
For the first time in years, I wasn't taking care of everyone else's needs. I was finally taking care of mine.
​
​​
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
​
If you are facing the holidays alone, here's what I wish someone had told me:
Your feelings are valid. All of them. The sadness, the anger, the grief for the family life you thought you would have. Don't let anyone tell you to "just be grateful" or "focus on the positive." Feel what you feel.
Alone doesn't mean broken. I spent so many years thinking that being alone meant I had failed. Sometimes being alone means you are finally safe. Sometimes it means you are finally free.
You don't owe anyone joy. The world will try to pressure you to be festive. You don't have to. You can acknowledge the holiday without performing happiness. You can rest instead of celebrating.
Small things count. Maybe you can't afford presents or a big dinner. So what? Make yourself tea in your favorite mug. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Call someone who actually listens. These aren't consolation prizes, they are acts of self-care.
This is temporary. Your life is rebuilding. This chapter of solitude isn't the whole story. But even if it lasts longer than you had like, you are learning something important: how to be okay with yourself.​
​​When Gratitude Feels Impossible
​
I know it might sound strange coming from someone who teaches about gratitude, but I'm not going to tell you to make a gratitude list when you are hurting. That kind of forced positivity can actually make you feel worse.
Instead, what I learned during those difficult holidays was that gratitude can be as simple as noticing one small thing that doesn't hurt. The warmth of your coffee. The fact that no one is yelling at you. The quiet that once felt empty but now feels peaceful.
If you want to explore this gentler approach to gratitude, one that doesn't dismiss your pain but works alongside it. I share more about this in Finding Light in Darkness: How Practicing Gratitude Can Help Domestic Violence Survivors Heal. But only when you are ready. There is no timeline for healing.​
The Questions No One Asks
​
When people talk about holiday loneliness, they always focus on "how to feel better." But sometimes the real question is: What if you don't need to feel better right now? What if feeling the weight of where you are is part of healing?
I have learned that there is a difference between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness feels empty and desperate. Solitude feels... quiet. Peaceful, even. It took me years to understand that difference.
Some holidays, you will feel lonely. Others, you will feel grateful for the solitude. Both are okay.
This connects to something I have realized about the stories we tell ourselves. Are you telling yourself that being alone during the holidays means you have failed? Or can you reframe it as proof of your courage to choose peace over chaos? I explore this idea more in Does Your Story Empower You? Because sometimes changing our narrative is the first step to changing how we feel.
Moving Through the Stages
​
In my journey, I have come to understand that healing happens in stages, and different holidays might find you in different places:
🌼 The Emerging Daffodil - Maybe this is your first holiday season after leaving, and everything feels raw and fragile. That's exactly where you need to be.
🦋 The Fluttering Butterfly - Perhaps you are starting to see glimpses of who you are becoming, but the holidays still trigger old pain. You are transforming, even when it doesn't feel like it.
🪶 The Soaring Feather - You might be ready to release some of the anger and resentment, choosing lightness over the weight of the past.
🌳 The Resilient Oak Tree - Or maybe you have found your grounding, and the holidays are just days now, neither devastating nor magical, just part of life.
If you are curious about where you might be in your healing journey, I created a quiz to help you discover your healing stage. It's not about having the "right" answers, it's about understanding where you are so you can be gentler with yourself.​​​
Moving Forward
​
I am not going to give you a list of "5 Ways to Beat Holiday Blues" because that's not real life. Real life is messier than bullet points.
What I will tell you is this: You are stronger than you know. The fact that you are here, reading this, working on your healing, that's enormous. That's everything.
The holidays will come and go. Your healing journey continues regardless of what day it is on the calendar.
And if you are alone this year, know that you are not really alone. There is a whole community of us who understand exactly what this feels like. We are rebuilding our lives too. We are figuring out how to take care of ourselves too.
You deserve peace. You deserve rest. You deserve to take up space in your own life.
Even during the holidays. Especially during the holidays.
​
Holding hope & calm for you,
If you are struggling and need support, please know that help is available. You don't have to navigate this alone. Consider joining my private Facebook community where other survivors share their journeys in safety and understanding.
I warmly invite you to join as a community member.
This is a safe haven for women reclaiming their lives after abuse, a place where you can access the full blog library, find encouragement and feel supported as you take your next steps.
Curious where you are on your healing path?
Take the free Discover Your Healing Path quiz
a simple way to see your stage in the journey and receive guidance for your next step.
Empower Your Journey!
Let's Grow and Heal Together!
.jpg)
Subscribe to receive weekly encouragement and empowering resources to help you
Feel Inner Freedom